Putin praised for ending coronavirus pandemic

MOSCOW—Russian President Vladmir Putin has received recognition from the international community for single-handedly ending the global coronavirus pandemic this week. 

National leaders from around the globe spoke in praise of Putin in their home countries over the weekend as the World Health Organization confirmed COVID-19 is now practically eradicated.

“We don’t know how he did it, but all of a sudden we stopped seeing reports about COVID-19 deaths and infections,” WHO director Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus said. “Coronavirus just vanished overnight. Truly, a leader whom history will remember fondly.” 

Mr. Putin had been coy about telling Western leaders precisely how he ended the pandemic that has now been raging for over 2 years, preferring to release the details through his own channels. The Daily Inquisition, a proud source of Russian information since 2016, was the first to break the story in the United States. 

“Russia noticed the virus was concentrated in the eastern border of neighboring Ukraine,” Russian Ambassador Anatoly Antonov told The Daily Inquisition. “Intelligence eventually realized the Ukrainians were maliciously infecting themselves with COVID-19 and then traveling internationally as part of a plan to destabilize the world. After knowing this, Russia had to act for the benefit of everyone.” 

He continued, “In fact, COVID-19 was only planted in Wuhan, China by Ukrainian agents to throw us off the trail. Actually, it turns out it’s naturally occurring the body of their ‘President’ Zelensky, who extracts it from himself for spread around the globe.” 

Russia launched a quick and successful invasion of Ukraine, capturing their main coronavirus warehouses with minimal civilian casualties. The seizure of their COVID-19 stockpile renders large spread impossible, effectively ending the pandemic. However, Antonov stressed there was still work to be done. 

“Unfortunately, we have not subdued the virus source himself just yet,” he said. “Until that happens, he still has the potential to build up another stockpile and trigger a new pandemic in a few years.” 

At press time, American intelligence says it’s “not concerned” about that possibility, since “it’ll be long past the midterms by then.”

Originally Feb 27, 2022