Unable to afford homes, children, or food, millennials thankful they can still change their gender

UNITED STATES—As national financial anxiety grows, millennials widely report they are still “thankful” to have the freedom to change their gender. 

Young people are increasingly priced out of markets amid rising inflation and declining wages. But polling consistently shows this doesn’t matter to millennials, who care much more about being able to declare whatever gender identity they prefer that day. 

“I’ll probably never be able to buy a house. Last time I offered $100,000 over asking and waived all contingencies, but got outbid by a Chinese bank,” local millennial Zander O’Brien told us. “But I know that if I wanted to, I could change my pronouns tomorrow—so I still go to bed happy!”

“Or rather, I go to futon happy,” they/them clarified. 

Prices aren’t just slowing down housing plans. Surveys show people are delaying starting families due to economic burdens, a fact millennials universally agree they’re “totally fine” with. 

“Of course, I’ve always DREAMED of having children of my own,” 37-year-old Kayla Thurason says. “Thanks to energy and education costs, that won’t happen until I’m 54. But it makes me so happy to know that when I finally do have those kids, they can be pumped full of hormones right away.” 

Brandon Johnson, 31, acknowledged that his food budget has tightened up over the years. 

“I’ve eaten nothing but gas station hotdogs for 4 straight weeks,” he admitted. “But I’m still just so proud to live in a country where gay marriage is legalized,” though he quickly clarified he’s not gay himself. 

Johnson’s sentiments were echoed by those of the younger generation as well.

“My boyfriend and I haven’t had time for a date in 3 years with all these extra shifts I’m covering at work,” 24-year-old Emma Bravowitch said. “Though I’m mostly just thankful that if I wanted to, I could legally marry a woman,” she added.  

The Daily Inquisition asked Bravowitch if she and her boyfriend had any plans to marry soon.

“Oh, no, I could never afford it. Do you know how much weddings cost nowadays?”

Originally published Jun 15, 2022