Joel Osteen dons hair shirt, does penance for those not living their best life now

HOUSTON, TX—Prosperity Gospel preacher Joel Osteen was seen distraught yesterday over members of his congregation not living their best life now. 

Sources say Osteen donned a penitential hair shirt in reparation to Almighty God for all those willingly languishing in poverty. 

“Spare, oh Lord, Thine people, who Thou hast doth ordained to live their best life now,” Osteen was heard murmuring in his darkened room. “I beseech Thee Lord of Hosts and Ruler of Life and Death, do not cast off forever the sinner who doth disregard Thine power of next level thinking!” 

Osteen laid prostrate on the floor for some time, rising and bowing low again in supplication before a particularly bloody icon of the Crucifixion. He occasionally let out loud sighs as soft tears dripped from his bloodshot eyes.

Eloi, Eloi!” He cried. “Do not forsake thine servants who doth not deign to seek the qualities of a winner! Though their sinfulness burns black in your sight, and they deserveth naught but Thine just and terrible sentence of poverty, show Thine power in Thine great mercy!” 

Osteen then pulled out short whip, obviously well-worn, and gripped the handle with resolute determination.

“May my sacrifice oh Almighty purify these sinners of their negative self-talk and bring them Thine grace of an Abundance Mind-set,” he said before whipping himself. 

He continued to savagely beat himself for hours amid his tears, groanings, and sighs. Witnesses report that the walls of the room were soon covered in Osteen’s blood as he tore open the skin on his back and shoulders.

“I offer myself as a Victim in their place, oh Lord!” he cried. “Pour out Thine wrath upon me! I accept the poverty and self-doubt in their place, that they may think better, live better, and be like every day was a Friday!” After this Osteen reportedly collapsed on the wooden floor, exhausted from his night of penance. 

At press time, Osteen has requested his supporters donate another paycheck so that he can repair his private jet. 

Originally posted Jan 7, 2021