Satan: if God loves his people so much, why doesn’t he marry them?

PASADENA, CALIFORNIA—In a rare public appearance, the Lord of Darkness spoke to journalists to criticize his main rival, the All-Loving Benevolent Creator of All. 

“It’s good to be with like-minded people again,” the Prince of Evil told reporters gathered at the Sheraton Hotel to hear the press conference. “I just got back from a truly terrible 3-day negotiation with the Almighty God of All, which I’m sad to report failed to reach the outcome we were hoping for.” 

The Accuser next launched into a bitter tirade against God, his main political opponent, in a rhetorical move surely aimed at garnering support ahead of the 2024 rapture of the Elect. “The ‘Big Man’ is always going on and on about how much He loves and cherishes and yearns for his creatures. Yack-yack-yack, same old empty promises we hear every four years.” 

Satan closed his remarks by issuing a challenge to God: “If He really loves His people so much, why doesn’t He marry them?”  

The Devil’s comments were broadly considered to refer to God’s recent public statement in the First Letter of John, a statement widely criticized as turning up the rhetorical temperature with the bold claim that He “is love.”  

Thus far God has not spoken to reporters or given a reply, leaving the Heavenly Throne-room to release a statement that “Mr. God is taking time away to celebrate Christmas with His beloved family, and prefers not to comment at this time.” 

This publication tried to reach out to God directly for a further statement, but He still is not speaking to us since we ran that Pope Francis article. 

Originally published Dec 25, 2021