Op-Ed: I swear I go to my home church every week but I’m just on vacation today

Oh, hello everyone. I know you don’t recognize me, but I promise that’s not because this is my first time in a Catholic church. For real, I go like every week back in my hometown. I don’t live around here, so please don’t think I’m one of those people who only goes to Mass once in a blue moon. In fact, I kind of hate those people. I would NEVER be like them, and I’m only at this strange new parish because I’m traveling, NOT because I normally don’t go to church. 

Also, I know I look like some bum who just wears whatever to Mass. I’m NOT like that. I normally dress up for Mass because I know it’s just that important, and it deserves respect and dignity. In fact, sometimes I even wear a suit just on an ordinary Sunday! I’m just on vacation today. Sure, I’m wearing flip-flops and a mostly-unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt, but that’s only because I’m at the Jersey Shore this weekend. 

I really hope you don’t judge me as some lame, half-hearted Catholic. Because I am WAY more practicing back home than most of the other people in my parish. I’m just not singing because I’m not familiar with the hymnals you guys use here. Also, because my voice is destroyed after staying up ‘til 4am chugging whiskey slushies. But back at home I sing every hymn, and I even know most of them by heart!

Oh goodness, I guess you didn’t hear me…as flattered as I am I really don’t want to do the 2nd reading, because, well, I’m just here on vacation. I’m not trying to get involved in this parish because I don’t live here, see. What? Ok, I guess if you need someone my family can bring up the gifts before Communion. But please don’t think we’re some total newbies at this. I normally wouldn’t bring up the gifts in cargo shorts but it’s the only clean clothes I have right now since I’m away from my normal washer/dryer combo. 

Well, thanks for the bulletin. I’d love to read it, except I can’t make any of the events this week because I’ll be back home, where I normally go to church every single week. In fact, they might be worried about me since they haven’t seen me like usual today, so I better give them a call right now. I’ve got to skedaddle, so I’ll see you later!