Desperate single woman adds ‘open to sedevacantism’ on Tinder profile

ATLANTA–Forever-single woman Jessica Chin has recently updated her Tinder profile to reflect her declining standards, according to friends close to her.

The 31-year-old made the change in a hotel room, where she was staying for yet another wedding that wasn’t her own. 

“This is it, Jess–rock bottom,” Chin told herself before updating her bio to say, “open to sedevacantism.” 

“I guess a woman’s got to stop being so picky at some point,” Chin confided to her girlfriends. “If I have any hope of getting a husband before it’s too late, I better expand my dating pool to weird trads and nerds.”

Chin says that she isn’t a sedevacantist herself, and long looked down upon those who think Pope Francis isn’t the real Pope. But faced with an ever shrinking number of eligible, normal bachelors, she’s willing to give fringe ideologies a fresh look. 

“I can start wearing jean skirts and driving a 15-passenger van if you’d like,” Chin messaged to a Tinder match. “Want to vent your frustrations about the Modernists and the Jews?” she said to another.

“So, how about that anti-Pope Bergolio?” she typed to begin a conversation with a 52-year-old man, whose profile picture was a painting of Pope St. Pius the V. The man initially responded favorably, but sources say he disconnected after Chin confided she didn’t know who Pope Michael was.

“Oh, I hope I meet someone soon,” Chin lamented. “If I can’t get a rad-trad looney-tunes incel to date me, then all hope is really lost.”

At press time, an even more desperate Chin was seen writing “Willing to endorse Fr. James Martin” on her profile page.