Trump commands his young supporters to strike down Mike Pence and complete their transformation to the Dark Side 

WASHINGTON, DC—President Trump was seen coaxing his young supporters to strike down Vice President Mike Pence yesterday in an apparent bid to turn them to the Dark Side. 

Sporting a dark cloak and hood instead of the customary political-blue suit, Trump was heard encouraging people to “use” their anger against the system to strike down those who have wronged them, which would fully integrate them into the new political party Trump has dubbed “the Dark Side.” The unusual speech seemed to specifically call out Pence, Trump’s former protege, as the main target. 

“Yesssss. Yeeeeessssss. Release your hatred. Strike down Pence, and your journey will be complete,” Trump was heard cackling at the podium during a rally. 

Thousands of young Republicans then wrote in to their local party leadership to complain that Pence does not represent the Republican Party they want to belong to. After the sheer volume of mail collapsed the offices of many Republican Senators who opposed Trump, the GOP was forced to listen to their constituents and declare Mike Pence a Democrat, or at least a big wimpy baby. Pence was forced to go into exile in Illinois.  

“Goooood. Goooooooodddd,” Trump whispered to himself. 

Reporters surfaced soon after of another outburst of anger against Pence in a violent protest at the Capitol Building, but this proved to be unrelated.

Originally published Jan 9, 2021