Aquinas’ long-lost ‘Sixth Way’ found, just a ‘yo mama’ diss track

Scholars have unearthed a previously unknown “Sixth Way” to Thomas Aquinas’ “Five Ways” that appears to be a long boast dissing his rivals. 

Aquinas, the 13th century Saint and philosopher, is famous for giving five proofs for the existence of God called the Five Ways. Due to incomplete manuscripts, however, it was never known whether he wrote additional arguments beyond the initial five. Now, scholars know Aquinas wrote at least one more in the form of a “diss track” that he meant to supplement that five main arguments. 

“It appears to be authentic,” Catholic philosopher Fr. Joseph Koterski, S.J., remarked. “It fits in well with the rest of the five ways, opening with ‘the sixth way is taken from how sick of a burn I’m about to throw down on you.’ Then it goes on to absolutely destroy fellow philosophers like Averroes, Avicenna, and Maimonides.”

The Sixth Way has several “yo mama” burns, making it one of the earliest known sources of such disses. Scholars now conclude “yo mama” jokes originate from sometime in the early 1100s, instead of from the 1993 hit “In Living Color,” as was previously believed. 

“The structure is still pretty standard,” Fr. Koterski elaborated. “Aquinas just goes down the list with ‘Averroes’ mama is so fat, people wonder if God can lift her,’ things like that–disses that we consider more predictable today.”

Fr. Koterski did note some exceptions that point to Aquinas’ ingenuity. 

“He did have a few scorchers…like ‘Maimonides’ mama’s so fat, she’s not kosher,’ and ‘Avicenna’s mama’s so heavy, she can’t float long enough to attain the concept of her own consciousness and being independent of sensory experience.’” 

“That last one made more sense at the time,” he added. 

The newly found argument continues for several paragraphs with similar burns, before concluding with “And this all men call God.”