Report: Early Christians celebrated Easter with giant rabbit, cheap chocolate

ROME–New reports coming from the Vatican indicate early Christians celebrated Easter with giant bunnies and baskets of chocolate. 

The news comes from the Vatican Archives after their research team explored recently discovered catacombs underneath the city. Well preserved frescos showed the Christians gathering around a man in a rabbit costume, handing out colorful eggs. 

“We were overjoyed at such a marvelous find,” archivist Dr. Angelina DiPietro said. “And to think the catacomb entrance was hiding behind a bookcase this whole time!”

Catacombs are winding, underground tunnels dug out by the early Christians to meet and bury their dead amid Roman persecution. They often have burial niches covered with decorative stone as well as chapels painted with religious art. These murals and inscriptions are invaluable to learn about the life of the early Roman Christians who left very little writings behind. 

The freshly unearthed catacomb beneath the Archives contained several such chapels detailing early Christian Easter rituals, especially centered around a large bunny and cheap-looking candy. 

“One piece is just extraordinary,” Dr. DiPietro said. “It shows a large rabbit in the orans position, with arms outstretched like a priest, and chocolate-colored communion wafers being passed around a congregation.” 

Many theologians are saying the piece should open up new discussion on bunny ordination and non-wheat Eucharistic hosts, long declared settled matters by Rome. 

“I think it’s unquestionable now that the early Church had a much more diverse approach to priestly ministry and Eucharistic coherence than our more narrow-minded theologians today,” Dr. DiPietro opined. 

At press time, Vatican City ordered the high altar at St. Peter’s Basilica redecorated with bunny rabbit art.