Column: Local man somehow still not into politics

It’s a beautiful, sunny day here in Friendship, Iowa, and the local populace couldn’t be more excited about the upcoming 2024 Presidential elections. The local Democrat and Republican parties are both working long hours trying to spread their messages to their neighbors, and the excitement is palpable on the ground. In 2024, the American People will be faced with myriad binary choices between red and blue which could have far reaching implications for thousands of Iowans. These choices include a heated national debate of abortion rights, access to GQBLT+ surgical treatment for minors, and who gets dibs on Ted Cruz’s office when he is officially convicted as the Zodiac Killer.  

But oddly enough, one man is not feeling the hype. When I heard rumors that a local Iowan was still not into politics, I knew I had a duty to get to the bottom of it—and sure enough, they were true. One man was sitting the fight out, and I just had to figure out why he was letting the bad guys win. So, I sat down for an interview with Miguel Hatcher to see what the heck his problem is with democracy. 

Interviewer: “So, Herr Hatcher, what is your deal?”
Hatcher: “Herr? What are you talking about?”
Interviewer: “Well, clearly you hate freedom, so I assume you are a Nazi. Would you like to confirm this for the record?”
Note: Mr. Hatcher denied these claims, but I don’t report lies, so this line has been omitted.
Interviewer: “Anyway, ‘sir,’ why don’t you have a bumper sticker on your car?”
Hatcher: “Because I don’t want to get involved! This is a nice town, but these elections have brought out the worst in this community! The decision will have minimal effect on this city, yet everybody is acting like it’s the end of the world!” 
Interviewer: “Clever, the old ‘I just don’t want to be involved’ bit. But admit it—you say you aren’t into politics because secretly you ARE into politics, but the EVIL kind of politics. If you weren’t evil, you’d fight hard against my opposing political side, because THEY’RE evil, and by not being for us you are ipso facto AGAINST us!”
Hatcher: “Look man, are you going to order or what?”

We asked his neighbors to comment on Herr Hatcher’s treasonous opinions. 

“I thought I knew Miquel, but now that I know he wants to force all women into a Handmaid’s Tale like hellscape, I don’t know how I could AVOID throwing dog poop at him whenever he gets the mail,” said Elain Hatcher, leader of Friendship Against Republican Traitors (FART). “I just can’t believe I married a Nazi. I’m glad to know I’ve been justified in hiding his heart pills for the last 15 years.”

“He is a groomer and socialist who clearly only wants to bring about The Great Reset,” said Lorraine Hatcher, leader of Friendship Association of Right-wing Trustees (also FART). “I thought I raised him better than that. Now I know that I was too soft on him when I allowed him to read that communist trash The Sneetches. I should’ve known never to trust a doctor that isn’t endorsed by Trump.”

“The only way to achieve unity is forcing our beliefs on those other jerks! We will have victory, and they can go choke on it” said both Mrs. Hatchers in unison. Herr Hatcher said that he just wants to enjoy Sunday dinner again without his wife and mother engaging in knife fights. But I’m not so sure I trust him. 

*Editor’s Note: We have been forced under threat of litigation to include mention of a third party calling themselves the “libertarians.” I met with Friendship’s Freedom Against Restrictive Tyranny (also FART) office, but it was just 4 smelly, single men in their 40s, all in Rush T-Shirts and complaining about their taxes. However, they also agreed Hatcher was a Statist loser for not getting more involved.

Keith-Dylan Candle is in his first year as correspondent at The Daily Inquisition. He has spent the last 7 years in juvenile prison.