SatanCon less risk to souls than Comic-Con, study finds

BOSTON, MA–“SatanCon,” an annual gathering of the Church of Satan, has sparked protests across the nation from people of goodwill alarmed at the spiritual consequences of Satan worship. But according to a recent study, such action may be more urgently needed elsewhere: at Comic-Con. 

“In the lab environment, participation in SatanCon was less likely to cause spiritual death than participation in Comic-Cons,” the study’s authors stated. “Consequently, we believe more must be done to combat this public spiritual health risk.” 

Standing for “Comic Convention,” Comic-Cons take place all over the world, making them slightly more influential than Satanists. Additionally, such Comic-Cons draw hundreds or even thousands of participants.

“Though appearing harmless, Comic-Con enthusiasts were lured into dressing up in costumes, speaking in funny accents, and spending all day inside,” the study notes. “Before long, many volunteers had turned into hopeless nerds.”

The study’s lead researcher, Dr. Dan Povenmire, explained how spiritual death swiftly followed.

“Everyone knows you have to be cool to get to heaven,” Dr. Povenmire said. “St. Peter was a huge jock, and he’s still up there guarding the pearly gates. If you show up before him in some stupid Jedi Wizard outfit, what do you think he’s going to do to you?”

The study, funded by the NFL, found that unlike SatanCon–which is obviously evil to the point of turning off most people–Comic-Con’s evil is more hidden. 

Many participants begin with just a simple superhero mask or a comic-themed T-shirt. But this only begins a highly destructive addiction of cosplay and roleplaying. 

“Before they realize what has happened, they’ve spent their kids’ college fund on a Dark Knight Rises Batman set piece for their garage,” Dr. Povenmire said somberly. “Or worse, are putting on movie-accurate Gryffendor robes and playing Quidditch. Once that happens, there’s very little anyone can do for them.”

“And don’t even get me started on the people who dress up like animals,” Dr. Povenmire shuddered. “They have no hope.”