Man who drove through Vatican gates just normal Italian driver

A car plunged through security gates at the Vatican amid gunfire from Vatican police, prompting investigation into the possible criminal intent of the driver. But today authorities revealed the perpetrator was just a typical Italian driver.

“At first we thought it had to be a deliberate act of violence, terrorism, or something of political or religious motive,” the Vatican gendarmes said. “But it turned out to just be a normal Roman citizen, driving around the city like they do everyday.”

The car swerved and weaved through heavily guarded, off-limit zones, sustaining bullet holes as the police tried to shoot out the vehicle’s tires. The driver was eventually apprehended in a courtyard, and was initially reported to be in a “serious state of psychophysical alteration.” Police reports later modified that description to read “well-balanced and appropriately calm.”

“The driver was a normal Italian man upset that we had destroyed his Fiat,” an officer informed us. “Truth is, he was talking so fast and waving his hands so much that we mistook him to be on drugs.”

“Roman drivers are always weaving between barricades, ignoring road signs, and plunging into narrow alleys at breakneck speeds,” says Ed Boyardee, chief Italian correspondent for The Daily Inquisition. “All while yelling at their cell phones and sitting in a cloud of dense cigarette smoke, since they refuse to open their windows.” 

“Something like this happens every couple of days.” 

While the Vatican gendarmes were cleaning up Thursday’s accident, a moped was seen speeding along the top of the portico at St. Peter’s. The gendarmes took no action.