Reassuring: There’s nothing to fear except the constant threat of eternal damnation

Finally, some good news for a change! 

Millions of Americans struggle with feelings of anxiety and worry. But according to the latest study, relief is just around the corner. Spiritual experts believe they have a cure for such afflictions. 

Experts have informed The Daily Inquisition that there’s nothing to worry about, except of course for the ever-present looming threat of eternal pain. Finally, you can rest easy knowing that mortgage payment due next week is nothing compared to the burning, existential weight of timeless suffering. 

“We predict a substantial decrease to negative feelings, and a subsequent uptick in reassurance and ease of mind,” said Fr. Francis Brown, one of the consulted experts. “Really, why feel bad about anything going on in your life if you should instead feel bad about what might go on after your life?”

There is no need to concern yourself about dying loved ones, other experts said. In fact, there’s nothing to be concerned about at all, except of course that after they die they may writhe in agony as the sport of demons forever. 

“People just get so worked up about social issues, violence, injustices, all kinds of silly stuff!” Br. Gerald Kunning weighed in. “But there’s actually nothing at all to worry about, except for your highly probable destiny of sulfur and flame.  

“People get so afraid, and it’s really all about nothing. Financial troubles, decaying health, physical pain, the death of a loved one–if you’re worried about these things, just realize there’s much, much bigger issues to fear,” he said. “That always makes me feel better!”