Woman celebrating Ascension on a Thursday awfully smug about it

Most people in the United States celebrate Ascension on the 7th Sunday of Easter–but not Doris Nightingale. 

She celebrates Ascension Thursday–the traditional day of the Ascension–forty days after Easter.

“I’m not trying to say that it’s necessarily better to celebrate Ascension on the Thursday that it was meant to be celebrated on,” Nightingale said to some out-of-town family. “Don’t get me wrong, it is better, but I’m not saying it is.” 

Nightingale’s cousin, Goeff Schiff, is from one of the majority of American dioceses that celebrates Ascension on Sunday. He was present on the phone call that Doris mentioned her Ascension plans. 

“I’m fine if she celebrates it on Thursday. But she doesn’t have to be so smug about it,” he complained to The Daily Inquisition. “I mean, she ended the call by telling us to enjoy our extra time in Purgatory.”

“Look, the local liturgical norms of your particular diocese don’t make you better than anyone else,” Lana Schiff, another cousin, chimed in. “I didn’t rub it in her face when my bishop said we couldn’t eat meat on St. Patrick’s Day this year.”  

“I know. Who does she think she is!” a third cousin, Benjamin Gradle, interrupted. “Some of us just don’t like Mass and don’t want to go twice in one week–ever think of that?!” 

At press time, the Schiff cousins gave Benjamin a sideways glance before calling Doris to complain about his lack of piety.