‘Jane’s Revenge’ threatens local parish with bad cantor, poor hymns

The abortion rights extremist group ‘Jane’s Revenge’ has vowed to escalate attacks against Catholic Churches in the upcoming weeks. 

The violent organization says they will “hit the church where it hurts” by infiltrating parish music ministries and setting up terrible musicians. 

“We will not be silent! If abortion isn’t safe, then neither are you!” member Jane Ravenga was heard shouting. “If you will not listen to women, then listen to pain!”

The extremist network has been especially active in the wake of the Dobbs vs. Jackson decision overturning Roe vs. Wade. They have already claimed responsibility for vandalism and firebombing of many pregnancy centers and churches across the country, but local Christians fear this could be their most dangerous assault yet. 

“I’m pro-life, but if they make me listen to ‘Lord of the Dance’ one more time I swear I’ll kill them,” parishioner Alison Connolly said. 

The Daily Inquisition obtained a leak of Jane’s Revenge plan, which our source says they published on their Facebook page. The post reads in part: 

“Attention sisters! If you have no singing voice, instrumental ability, or musical taste, join our fight! Go to you’re [sic] local Catholic church this weekend and volunteer to be their music leader. As long as you’re nice, the priest should hire you, and by the time he notices how terrible you are he’ll feel too bad to fire you. 

Then, give the worst songs and performances you can think of! It’ll COMPLETELY ruin their precious ‘Mass’ and scare the Supreme Court into reinstating Roe!!!”

At press time, Jane’s Revenge gave up their plan after Catholics everywhere reported it as an improvement to the music they had before.