Catholic Worker Movement unveils darker, crime-fighting founder Dorothy Night

The Catholic Worker Movement unveiled their new, darker, vigilante foundress yesterday in an effort to revamp their image with upcoming generations. 

“When people think ‘Catholic Worker Movement’ they think ‘Dorothy Day,’’ the organization wrote on “But as great as she was, her name is just too tainted with sunshine, optimism, and solidarity with the poor.”

“Young people nowadays face a decaying world, and so thrive on sadness, institutional collapse, and beating the snot out of your opponents,” they continued. “And that’s what Dorothy Night is all about.” 

Of a modest background, previous founder Dorothy Day became famous for her communist and anarchist activism before converting to Catholicism. She embraced pacifism and lived in common with simple workers. 

The new Dorothy Night comes from an extremely wealthy background and is frequently seen in expensive “drip” and sporting pricey military instruments. Unlike Day, Night believes violence is the primary solution to life’s problems, and made most of her money selling weapons to foreign and domestic powers. Similarly, Night is not an anarchist-libertarian, but instead supports heavy-handed impositions of order. 

To keep appeal with millennials, however, Night will still be communist.

“We’re so excited to unveil our new foundress, and can’t wait to see what inspiration she brings to you and others!” the Catholic Worker Movement concluded.  

The Vatican has scheduled Dorothy Night to be canonized as soon as possible.