U.K. implements special zones where cops can beat, rob you without warrant

Areas of the United Kingdom are experimenting with special “human rights exclusion zones” where the police can assault you without cause. 

The roughly 384-feet areas are marked with a thin red line and are appearing on various public sidewalks and street corners, but especially near abortion clinics. Any citizens that cross into these areas can be beaten, robbed, humiliated, or even killed by State actors for no particular reason. 

“I think it’s a great program,” police constable Jeremy Higglefist said. “The job hasn’t been the same since I got to raid churches and playgrounds in 2020, and this should inject that fun spark back into my beat!”

Town councils and parliamentarians who support the measure say it is necessary to protect “sensitive” police groups, who have been faced with growing adversity after murdering civilians on video. 

“Policing is a really sensitive issue right now in our society, not to mention how sensitive the policemen themselves are,” local Council Member Patricia Walters said. “The best way to move forward to a resolution on this sensitive issue is to give one side of the debate total and complete control over a limited geographical area.”

“Plus, it’ll be good for the boys to blow off a little steam every once in a while,” she added.

Witnesses reported citizens walking nervously around the “zones,” which were packed full of uniformed officers brandishing chains, brass knuckles, and other weapons. Officers shouted at passers by, trying to lure them to cross the red line. 

“Hey there gorgeous, why don’t you come over here?” one officer was heard saying. “I’ve got a fresh cup of coffee for you I’d love to split.” 

One officer simply grabbed a citizen and pulled him into the circle, where he proceeded to viciously beat him and take his lunch money. The citizen claims he was not over the red line when he was grabbed, and swears he will seek retribution in court. The officer is claiming his target voluntarily crossed the red line, which his buddies have all agreed to. 

At press time, the courts have sent a bailiff to beat up the citizen in order to determine if he was unjustly beaten.