Michael Bay to direct new movie, ‘Megachurch vs. Optimus Petros’

Critically-acclaimed director Michael Bay has announced plans to lead a new blockbuster production, Megachurch vs. Optimus Petros.

The film will pick up with many of the director’s previous themes and storylines, especially from his highly-successful Transformers franchise. But, although Bay never shied away from discussing deep questions through his filmography before, Megachurch vs. Optimus Petros will have a more explicitly religious overtone than his previous work. 

“I really wanted to capture the drama of American Christianity in our moment,” Bay said while wearing a beret. “The dual nature of these colossuses perfectly summarizes the zeitgeist of our Hegelian antithesis, mirroring, as it were, the cardinal duality within both corporate humanity and individual man himself, especially vis-a-vis his inner nature.” 

Bay began softly weeping at the beauty of his artform, all the while muttering “qui suis-je Seigneur!

The movie is about two giant robots from the far-away planet Celestia battling for the control of Earth. Evil Megachurch leads a cabal of smaller (but still very large) robots to hack the U.S. financial system, earning for himself massive wealth to finance the final stage of his invasion. However, the pure Optimus Petros, the most powerful robot of them all, assembles a rag-tag bunch of other robots to stop him. Together, Optimus and his “autohesychasts” battle Megachurch and his “heretacons” for possession of the “All-Cross”, a jumbled series of wires that contains the power to rule the Universe. 

The film stars Shia LeBeouf as Padre Piobot, Optimus Petros’ trusted sidekick and confidant. Jim Caviezel also stars as Optimus Petros, alongside numerous other big Hollywood names, including Ray Romano (Aquinobot), Natalie Portman (Cynthia Blade), Danny Devito (Temptacon), Emma Stone (Catherinobot), Kim Kardashian (Lustacon), and Ezra Miller (Megachurch).