Op-Ed: Sorry ladies, but I’m giving up dating for Lent

Brace yourselves ladies—bad news is coming. 

That’s right…I’m giving up dating for Lent. I know this will probably ruin most of your Easters, so I really am sorry. Really, I am. But I just had to make the sacrifice this year. 

The fact is, I just have to field far too many offers. To constantly have drop-dead gorgeous women try and seduce you can be darn exhausting at times, and in this time of prayer and reflection I simply think it’s better to just cut off the possibility completely. That way, I can avoid the stress of these constant romantic advances and be fully charged for Easter. 

But don’t worry, females! Just think of how I’ll be even more appealing after the rejuvenating graces of this season are through. In fact, if you ask me, this will be good for you as well this Lent. You women can use it as a chance to learn self-discipline and patient waiting as the object of your desires lies just out of reach, if only for a brief time.

And in the meanwhile, don’t despair! There’s still plenty of guys out there even now. Sure, not guys with my charisma (24 ability score). And yes, they won’t have my spiritual maturity. But just because they’re dating during Lent doesn’t mean they’re all bad. And remember, Easter is only 40 days away besides! 

Editor’s Note: Further investigation revealed Butts gave up his resolution after a cute girl asked him for the time.