Oh no! Hell’s movie theaters started showing ‘The Rings of Power’ in addition to ‘The Last Jedi’

HELL—Lost moviegoers reported yesterday that Hell began streaming The Rings of Power in all theaters, a leak that will surely taint an already-embattled production. 

The Amazon Prime TV show, set in Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings universe, has come under fire from die-hard Tolkien fans for perceived departures from Tolkien’s lore. Entertainment critics predict its popularity in Hell will only stoke fans’ anger at The Rings of Power as it approaches its American release next month.

Hell, which always gets first access to the productions of major studios, added The Rings of Power to its previous schedule of only showing Star Wars: The Last Jedi. That film garnered similar controversy for allegedly undercutting the beloved Star Wars franchise with modern “woke” ideology and terrible story telling. The decision of Hell’s Administration of Radio, Film, and Television to pair The Rings of Power with The Last Jedi has made fans assume the worst. 

“I know no one has seen the show yet, or even heard much about it except for a few trailers,” local nerd Adam McAdams said. “But I think we can safely say this show is guaranteed to be completely horrible.” 

First-look trailers showed a racially diverse cast with modern haircuts, and rumors of a “strong” female lead with LGBQT supporting characters. There has even been rumors the show will feature nudity, as production-watchers noted Amazon hired an “intimacy coach” to help with shooting.

Disgruntled fans say that, as a Catholic, Tolkien built his stories free of nudity of sexual perversity, and as an Englishman intended his universe to be a mythology of the British Isles. Tolkien scholars have noted elves are specifically described as pale-skinned, and say trying to force racial diversity on his characters is an unfair departure from the source material and an imposing of modern American sensitivities on an English story.

Amazon, trying to appease its fans, has responded by calling anyone who doesn’t like their creative choices “racist, backwards idiots.” Many have seen this as proof that the show will be fantastic, though the revelation it’s showing in Hell has shaken this confidence. But experts say these fears are overblown.

“A lot of people hear Hell is showing a movie, and assume it must be bad,” Professor Rian Johnson told The Daily Inquisition. “But, like everybody else, Hell’s residents still like to go to the theater to see a movie, or even a TV show! Sure, everything’s sticky and the seats smell vaguely of urine, and Satan picks what’s allowed to be watched—but except for the Satan’s choice thing it’s exactly like when you go to see a movie.”  

Some fans still aren’t convinced.

“I’m not trusting that Satan guy’s judgement again ever since he convinced me to watch A Wrinkle in Time,” Tolkien-geek Arthur Hawkley said. “I’m just sure it’s going to be woke just like The Last Jedi. Well, this is one nerd who’s not going to watch it!”

At press time, Amazon said he’d have plenty of time to watch it in Hell when he gets sent there for being such a homophobic, sexist racist.

Originally published Aug 22, 2022