Heaven to start requiring proof of COVID vaccination

HEAVEN—St. Peter announced yesterday that Eternal Paradise will henceforth only be open to those who have or who are willing to receive vaccination against COVID-19. 

“We are in a pandemic of the unvaccinated,” the gatekeeper to our Celestial Home told The Daily Inquisition. “We Saints are doing our part to slow the spread and be responsible.” 

The new ethereal mandate is bound to be controversial for a lack of exemptions, either for religious reasons or for previous COVID-19 infection. 

“Our best studies show that a confirmed COVID-19 infection only gives antibodies for a few months against a specific variant, and does not provide as long-lasting immunity as our mRNA vaccines,” Sts. Cosmos and Damien, directors of the Celestial Center for Disease-Control (CCD) said. “Since we expect our residents to be here for eternity, currently having COVID-19 antibodies is not sufficient to provide community protection.”

They added, “Of course, vaccine immunity also seems to break down eventually, so we anticipate boosters being necessary every 6 months or so.” 

St. Peter said he was willing to consider boosters as a requirement for continuing your stay in Paradise, but at the moment no official booster mandate was being proposed. 

The Daily Inquisition asked how the mandate will affect members of the Church of Christ, Scientist, and other religious groups who oppose all vaccines on theological grounds. “Let’s be honest, they weren’t showing up here very often even before the mandate,” St. Peter said.

Originally published Nov 2, 2021