Vatican OK’s eating Taco Bell on Fridays in Lent as ‘not technically meat’

ROME–A new Vatican directive has declared Taco Bell acceptable for consumption on Fridays in Lent.

The Dicastery for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments published the official memo on the Vatican’s website yesterday amid growing calls from Catholics for less strict Lenten dietary laws. The directive says, in part, that “While beef, chicken, pork, carnitas, and all other meat-tacos are still to be considered prohibited on Ash Wednesday, Lenten Fridays, and Good Friday, those advertised as such can safely be purchased from Taco Bell© and consumed on any penitential day of the year.”

The accompanying press release further explained the reasoning, noting that Vatican laboratories were unable to verify the brown protein substance as technically falling under the definition of “meat” as used in Canon 1252 of the Code of Canon Law. 

Bishop Carlos Gidget, assistant secretary for the Dicastery, told the media that the ruling was fitting with the penitential spirit of the Lenten season. 

“Me personally, along with many of my fellow bishops, would go so far as to encourage eating Taco Bell© on many if not all Lenten Fridays,” Bp. Gidget said. “As long as it is consumed in large amounts and leaving three-to-four hours until midnight, the meal constitutes a two-fold penance of abstinence from meat and violent, explosive diarrhea.” 

The official proclamation did note that not all menu items were included in the dispensation, however, marking that the Cheesy Gordita Crunch™ and the Cinnamon Twists™ were prohibited, as both were found to contain meat. The press release went on to explain that even if further testing reversed the meat findings, these would likely remain banned as “out of character with the somber spirit that defines these holy days.”

The Dicastery also affirmed that all Taco Bell© bean tacos are still banned year round, though for reasons “related to the dignity of the human person.”

At press time, the Dicastery was considering also reevaluating McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish sandwiches, since they’re “not technically fish.”