As COVID crisis continues, Italy thinking of praying to Pachamama again

MILAN, ITALY—As the coronavirus crisis rages on in Europe, Italy is once again considering praying to the Pachamama for relief from the viral scourge. 

Local governments and citizen bodies are distraught as their fervent prayers and fasting these last 10  months have done little to alleviate their suffering. “We have prayed and prayed to Almighty God, repenting in sackcloth and ashes, and still this crisis continues,” local Italian man Giuseppe Mario Giovanni Bertolli Boyardee complained. “My cooking business cannot take much more of this…perhaps it’s time to turn elsewhere for help.” 

Confirming that the Italian Faithful have done all they could to turn from sin and come to the mercy of God, Catholic priest Isabella Emilia Dinino expressed similar frustrations. “I think it is time to go back to the Pachamama thing. Times were good when she was our god.” 

Italy has had nearly a hundred-thousand deaths from COVID-19, which also has devastated their economy and already-struggling hospital systems. People were hopeful that their daily Masses and perpetual adoration were working when summer brought temporary relief, only to have their hopes crushed soon after when cases skyrocketed in the winter. 

“It’s bad out here. I’m at my wits end honestly,” said one struggling citizen who asked to be known only as “Jorge Bergoglio.” 

At press time, Italy is saved after millions of Italians prayed to Allah for a vaccine. 

Originally published Dec 9, 2020