Eastern Catholics finally admit they don’t know what the heck they are either

In an “about time” announcement, eastern Catholics all over the world finally admitted they have no idea what they are. 

The eastern rites of the Catholic Church have long been controversial for how confusing they are, with nobody really sure whether they were Catholic, Orthodox, eastern European, or something else entirely. For many centuries, however, Eastern Catholics themselves pretended like they were not confused, and it was really everyone else who wasn’t getting it. 

Until last week, when they collectively owned up. 

The Daily Inquisition reached out to Fr. Isaac Aloysius, a Byzantine Catholic priest, who told us he was “very confused.” 

“To tell you the truth, I really don’t know what to think,” he said. His eye strayed to the golden domes atop of his church building. “Like, those look like minarets. Am I Muslim? No, that doesn’t seem right…I’ve got this iconostasis thing, so maybe I’m an Orthodox?” 

He is just one of dozens of Eastern Catholics finally coming forward about such problems. And, he says it’s not going to be easy. 

“It’s been really challenging. It’s a crisis of identity, and that confusion is never easy to bear,” he said. “But when it gets too difficult, I load up the Monstrance, pull out my Rosary, and sit with Jesus in Adoration. Then my peace comes back.”     

Originally published Jul 30, 2022