‘Layman? More like lame-man!’ Priest bullying up 20%

New reports from the Dicastery for the Clergy indicate priest-led bullying has risen 20% this year, in an alarming rash of radical clericalism sweeping the globe. 

Priests everywhere are engaging in cruel pranks and childish taunts against the non-ordained, ranging from simple name-calling to elaborate sacramental hijinks. 

“Sure, I’ll absolve you,” one priest from the Diocese of Duluth was reported to say. “But not until you hop on one foot and say ‘I’m a big whiny stupid sinner chicken.’ I bet you won’t do it, chicken!” 

Cardinal Lazarus You Heung-Sik, Prefect of the Dicaserty, noted the recent rise in bullying was surprising. 

“Pope Francis again and again tells our priests to reject clericalism,” he said. “And to be honest, I thought we were doing a pretty good job. I can’t imagine what’s causing this new surge now.”

He added, “I bet it’s something those lay losers are doing to ask for it.”

At press time, further studies indicated permanent deacons were getting the brunt of it.