Teachers Unions Demand Schools Remain Closed from Safe Distance of Tropical Beach Resort

ARUBA—Teachers Unions across the country are uniting in common agreement over school closures during the pandemic. Leaders of multiple unions were able to comment at the Summer Stretch Beach Resort and Spa in Southern Florida. 

“Simply, we’re demanding all school districts to keep schools closed until the COVID-19 virus has been wiped from existence,” says Carolyn Hawk, head of Maine Teachers Union. “We also demand more of those drinks that come with the little umbrellas.”

“This is really for the safety of the kids as well as the teachers,” Michigan Teachers Union president Scott Winters said as he spiked a volleyball. “Keeping them and us safe with proper social-distancing while closing the schools is the only safe path forward,” he continued as he was lifted into the air by his team for the winning point. 

Others disagree.

Ohio lawmaker Bob Parnell introduced a Bill to require schools to reopen next fall. “Ohioans are tired of waiting for their schools to open while they have gone back to work months ago. I will fight these corrupt and selfish teachers unions however I can. We will not be bullied into submission!” he said, before immediately losing re-election. The Bill then died in committee.  

“Obviously, we need to wait just a few months longer before it is safe to open our schools again,” says New York bureaucrat Nelson Pendleton. “Lawmakers like Mr. Parnell just don’t prioritize our children.” He then wiped the sunscreen off his nose with a wad of $100 bills. “Think of the children!”

Originally published Feb 10, 2021