Nation begins bi-yearly ritual of pretending to care about Arizona

The first of the surprising midterm election results have arrived, and it looks as if control of the US Senate will come down to the wire. The hotly contested Georgia Senate seat has already been moved to a runoff election in early December, meaning once again America is bracing itself to think about Arizona.

With notoriously slow vote counting, Arizona will likely be the deciding election on which party controls the Senate. In similarly close elections, the country watched the State closely as the vote count continued days or weeks after Election Day. This year, voters around the country were seen struggling to put on a brave face as they forced themselves to again watch reports from Arizona vote counting offices. 

“Wow, Arizona is just such an important and awesome State in our Union,” Connecticut native Eddie Alomane said through gritted teeth. “So many miles of beautiful desert, all deciding the fate of our country. So awesome!”

California resident Estella Garcia echoed his sentiments.

“You know, it’s times like these that I realize just how awesome our neighboring State is,” she said. “Definitely just as valuable and important as my own State.”

But others are refusing to keep up the charade.

“Ugh, this again,” South Dakota resident Kelly Grispon told us. “Trust me, I understand feeling like no one cares about your State, but don’t build the slowest vote counting process in the world just to get attention. Have some dignity!”

Many felt that pretending to care about Arizona distracted too much from more important States and electoral races in other parts of the country. 

“This happens every two years it seems,” non-Arizona resident Mehmet Oz complained. “Everyone has to drop what they are doing and start to pretend to care what happens in Arizona. Let’s talk more about some actually important States like my native Ne- er, Pennsylvania.”  

The Daily Inquisition reached out to Arizona for comment, but did not hear back by publishing time.

Originally published Nov 11, 2022