Scientists confirm there’s something in Germany’s water

GERMANY–A coalition of scientists from around the world confirmed yesterday that there indeed is “something” in German water to cause erratic and destructive behavior. 

Dr. Tobias Kohler, who led the project, said that the research is instrumental to stem the flow of craziness coming from central Europe. 

“Every country is a little crazy sometimes,” Dr. Kohler said. “If we saw a rebellion here, a schism there, an ideology over there–we wouldn’t be investigating at all.”

Several watchdog organizations noticed Germany’s history of contrarian opposition, and brought up the possibility of environmental factors.

Dr. Kohler continued, “The sack of Rome, the Investiture Controversy, the Protestant revolt, now the German Synod–and let’s not even mention that nasty business with the World Wars. It is plain that Germany has a strange animosity towards Christendom, particularly it seems against Rome. Something must be causing this.”

The team of researchers first proposed variations in air quality and climate change, but found no helpful correlations. The coalition was at a dead end until someone thought to test water quality, after a graduate student returned from Spring Break in Mexico with terrible diarrhea. 

“We collected samples for testing, and what do you know–something strange was there!” Dr. Kohler recounted. He believes this mysterious element found exclusively in German water is responsible for the slew of Germanic mishaps over the years. 

The substance has yet to be identified, and is possibly a previously unknown chemical. Further research is being conducted to determine its composition, but for the moment is being simply called Ger-Mania.

UPDATE: This article claimed that Ger–Mania was exclusive to German waters, but has been updated after large amounts of Ger-Mania was also found in SSPX seminaries.