Report: Crap, it’s Lent already

BREAKING—The liturgical season of Lent has already begun, according to multiple foreheads across the globe. 

The penitential season is noted for its fasting, prayer and almsgiving in preparation for Easter, which directly follows it. And while it has come and gone nearly 2,000 times in recorded history, many Catholics are saying this year it has hit by surprise. 

“Oh man, Ash Wednesday already?” local Catholic Anton Washington said. “I thought it was still Christmas!”

Experts are racing to determine what triggered the unexpected season. Early theories point to the pandemic, climate change, or possibly Donald Trump, but little consensus has been found. 

“Frankly, we just don’t know yet,” said Jeremy Ferrous, liturgical-researcher at the University of Notre Dame. “None of our theories so far have held up in testing, and I’m personally at a loss.”

He looked with sadness at the half-eaten cheeseburger on his desk before adding, “I mean, Lent isn’t even early this year! It just doesn’t make sense.” 

Several pundits have challenged the mainstream panic over Lent, claiming that the surprise of the season happens every year. And though such views have gained significant attention, major liturgical figures have warned this extreme position spreads harmful misinformation. 

“They’re right that we’ve seen a similar phenomenon in years past,” liturgical expert Fr. Edward McNamara told us. “But never on this scale and intensity. And pretending this is routine will only lull us into a false sense of security, and prevent the drastic action needed right now.” 

He took off his lapel microphone before saying, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go decide what I’m giving up for Lent.”