Archbishop Cordileone shouts ‘You shall not pass,’ smites Pelosi in Communion line

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Archbishop Cordileone caused quite the scene yesterday at a local San Francisco church.

The incident allegedly involved Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, a frequent visitor to San Francisco, over access to the Communion line during daily Mass. 

According to witnesses, Archbishop Cordileone stepped out in front of her in gray robes, wielding his Crosier, and wrapped in a strange ethereal glow. Cordileone then shouted “You shall not pass!” at Speaker Pelosi, who only snarled and continued to advance down the narrow aisle towards the Archbishop.

 All three attendees at the Mass said they smelled burning sulfur as Cordileone spoke up again, shouting, “After numerous attempts to speak with her to help her understand the grave evil she is perpetrating, the scandal she is causing, and the danger to her own soul she is risking, I have determined that the point has come in which I must make a public declaration that she is not to be admitted to Holy Communion unless and until she publicly repudiate her support for abortion ‘rights’ and confess and receive absolution for her cooperation in this evil in the sacrament of Penance.”

The Archbishop seemed to successfully prevent her from receiving Communion, as Pelosi was seen engulfed in flames and went hurling into the shadow. But witnesses also reported this was not without cost, as Pelosi’s long infinity scarf wrapped around Cordileone’s leg, dragging him down too into the darkness of political obscurity. 

Police arrived on the scene shortly after, but there was nothing they could do except dispel the throng of Traditionalists who had come to celebrate. Investigation, they say, is ongoing. 

Originally published May 21, 2022