New evidence Aquinas’ theology classes cut to fund University of Paris Football Program

A new discovery has ripped through the Thomistic world today, revealing the University of Paris cut funding from Thomas Aquinas’ theology department to benefit the University’s football program. 

The alleged memo from the President of the University of Paris and dated 1272 A.D. was discovered under a pile of old papers. It is addressed to the Angelic Doctor and informs him of the board of trustees decision to cut his department funding by 25%. The memo adds “on a totally unrelated note” that the University would “finally” tear up the astroturf at Emperor Frederick II Stadium and replace it with natural grass imported from Salzburg, Austria. 

“So many things in the life of St. Thomas Aquinas begin to make sense when viewed in the context of a university professor constantly having to compete with a dominant college athletics culture,” states Dr. Pierre Thermidore, an eminent French medievalist. “We have good reason to believe that this funding cut, along with St. Thomas’s own spiritual experiences, is what caused the final part of the Summa Theologica to remain unwritten.”

Pious legend has long attributed Aquinas’ refusal to finish his Summa Theologica as stemming from a profound mystical encounter that led him to abandon all further earthly projects and strive solely for the afterlife. However, Dr. Thermidore and his colleagues have proposed that Thomas never finished his work because the money for his paper and ink was instead used to buy those little stickers the players put on the back of their helmets. 

“In the Middle Ages anytime a football player did a football thing correctly, they would congratulate themselves with a sticker,” Dr. Thermidore said. “Things like catching passes, running across the right painted line, or sacking the livre-back…those stickers add up, and they were not cheap with the glues available at the time.” 

The memo has left many angry with the administration at the University of Paris at the handling of the incident. Hundreds have taken to social media demanding a boycott of the University’s sports teams going forward–but experts urge caution, saying it’s not all bad.

“Even though humanity will never get to experience St. Thomas’s groundbreaking thoughts on the Sacrament of Penance, we can take comfort in the fact that St. Thomas’s fiscal sacrifice seemed to have a positive effect,” Dr. Thermidore pointed out.

The University of Paris Aristotelians put up a winning 7-5 season that ended in a heartbreaking overtime loss to the University of Salamanca Conquistadores in the 1273 Guild of Cobblers and Cordwainers Alms Bowl. Unfortunately, the Aristotelians were not able to recreate their success the next year, as their star quarterback entered the Imperial draft portal and was subsequently sent on a campaign to conquer Northern Italy for the Holy Roman Empire. 

Special thanks to reader Caroline for this submission.