Disney World to add ‘Frank Pavone’s Swirly-Whirly Ride of Madness’ to park

ORLANDO—In the latest addition to the drama around Frank Pavone’s dismissal from the priesthood, Walt Disney World has apparently thrown its support behind the former diocesan priest by announcing a new “Frank Pavone inspired ride.” The popular theme park is located in Orlando, where Frank Pavone has been residing and where his Priests for Life organization is headquartered. 

Pavone has challenged the Vatican’s decision to laicize him, claiming he was never notified of the ruling and that he has been targeted unjustly for his pro-life activism. Thousands of Catholics have variously rallied behind him or else further condemned him for not submitting to the ruling, and many details of the case remain obscure. 

“That’s where we got the inspiration for the ride,” Disney’s lead spokesperson Kristina Schake told us. “Who said what, when did the accusations happen, which bishop or diocese or department was involved, how does politics and pro-life factor in—this case is enough to make your head spin!” 

Disney says the ride will feature a rotating disk of seats supported by a 250-foot steam arm, which will also extend and shift up and down for added movement. Various lights and sounds will go off next to each seat for added disorientation. 

“This is going to be one of our more intense rides at the park. We’re even thinking about turning it into a water ride.”

Disney is reportedly considering adding 40 fire hose nozzles around the structure that will blast riders with cool water as they rotate at 60 miles-per-hour. Park goers are excited for the news, but the announcement has also come with safety concerns. 

“While the planning is still ongoing, Disney is confident ‘Frank Pavone’s Swirly-Whirly Ride of Madness’ will be completely safe.” Schake added, “Park accidents only happen when riders disregard our safety protocols, like standing up or unbuckling during rides. Just obey the posted rules, and this ride will be both safe and enjoyable!” 

Unfortunately, due to limited space the addition of a new ride will have to replace “Walt Disney’s It’s a Small World.” But park executives anticipate the ride to be a major hit with teenage-to-adult riders, and think the move will be a net gain for the Disney experience. 

“I don’t think we’ll lose any significant revenue by losing ‘It’s a Small World’ really,” Schake said, adding that ride was only popular with “[expletive] losers.”