Christlike: Joe Biden achieves goal of uniting country by uniting country against himself

WASHINGTON, DC—Catholic leader Joe Biden has once again displayed his conformity to Christ. 

Biden, famous for ending abortion in America, vowed to bring unity to a country divided by polarization under the Trump administration. Sources say Biden is so committed to his noble crusade that he was willing to sacrifice his own reputation to accomplish it. 

“Joe saw the only way to achieve peace was for an innocent to sacrifice themselves to appease the wrath of the people; and Joe did not hesitate to offer himself as such a victim, in imitation of the Savior he holds so dear,” Mr. Biden’s wife told The Daily Inquisition. 

Mr. Biden rose to the Presidency after a contentious four years of Donald Trump. After Mr. Trump’s inflammatory rhetoric, mishandling of the COVID-19 pandemic, and insensitivity to racial justice, many feared the country was on the brink of a civil war. Realizing that it is better that one man die rather than the whole people, Joe Biden immediately set to work on his project of bringing the country back together again in common hatred for himself. 

“To die with Thee, to reign with Thee,” Mr. Biden was heard muttering to himself after he intentionally gaffed in a speech yet again. “My heart is ready oh God—I have come to do your will,” he said to himself as he drove down his approval ratings for the umpteenth time. 

At press time, Joe Biden’s approval ratings unexpectedly skyrocketed as the midterms approached.

Originally published Sep 13, 2022