Catholics weep for joy as McCarrick Report answers all questions

Catholics all over America raised hands in joyful praise today as The Vatican finally answered all questions about former Cardinal Theodore McCarrick. 

The Vatican published the long-awaited McCarrick Report, detailing the allegations of abuse and coverup by the formerly high-ranking American prelate. McCarrick allegedly abused young boys and seminarians in his power, often luring them to his private beach house on the Jersey Shore. 

Furthermore, Catholics around the globe were scandalized when it seemed this abuse was first discovered in the 1980s, and then subsequently repeated and covered up in the following decades by high-ranking bishops as McCarrick rose through the clerical ranks. But everyone today universally agreed that the new report answers all of their questions concerning who knew what when, who is or will be punished for their actions or lack of action, and most importantly whether such a thing could ever happen again. 

“Hallelujah, thank the Lord!” local Catholic Cynthia Peterson told The Daily Inquisition. “I had so many serious questions about the American church before this report, but now I can see all of them have been answered. Hooray!”

A collective sigh of relief was heard in every church when the Vatican clearly and without any further double-speak published the precise details of the McCarrick case, and promised to prosecute all those responsible. 

“There’s no longer need to question the competency of the American Church in such matters, especially regarding the conduct of bishops!” local boy Ricky Jimbo said. “I can rest easy knowing the Church I inherit is completely free of corruption and sin!” 

Originally posted Nov 10, 2020