Aquinas not that smart; just got 8 hours of sleep one night

New research suggests theology mastermind Thomas Aquinas wasn’t actually that smart. Instead, researchers theorize his theology was fueled by a single full night’s sleep. 

“We long assumed masterpieces like the Summa Theologica and the Summa Contra Gentiles were products of supreme intelligence and years of study,” Aquinas scholar Br. Pietro Gallentini, OFM told us. “But it seems Aquinas actually just got eight hours of sleep one night, and suddenly things started making a lot of sense.”

Manuscript evidence recently uncovered in a French monastery claims that Aquinas wrote all of his books in a single day, during 9 to 5 business hours, the day after his restful night. But Gallentini believes Aquinas didn’t just write his books, but also managed to produce a significant volume of letters and sermons over his lunch break. 

“It’s just incredible how productive a human being can be, you know, if their body isn’t forcefully shutting down at 1pm.”

Another Thomistic scholar, Dr. Elizabeth Mastroni, concurred. 

“Cranial measurements on Aquinas’ unearthed skull actually suggests he was a bit dumber than the average man,” she noted. “But it just proves the old saying: give a dimwit a real night’s rest, and he’ll manage to produce the greatest theological work the Western Church has ever seen.” 

Mastroni emphasized that Aquinas still had to exercise virtue in using his night’s rest for good ends, instead of wasting it on buying groceries or picking up kids from school. But even in this he had some divine help.

“Oh ya, he also benefited from his vow of celibacy,” Mastroni said. “He never developed the debilitating ‘mom brain’ or ‘dad brain’ most humans eventually suffer from.” 

“Plus, it meant he had some darn peace and quiet to THINK every once in a while,” she grumbled. 

At press time, further scholarship uncovered that St. Bonaventure was also not very intelligent, but just knew how to take effective naps.