Pope Francis cancels 10,000 years of Purgatory for sinners making less than $125,000 a year

VATICAN CITY—Pope Francis announced yesterday that he is canceling up to 10,000 years in Purgatory for select American sinners. 

The announcement came yesterday amid growing calls from the wings of the Church to address the looming Purgatory Crisis. Theologians estimate 43 million Catholics have collectively wracked up trillions of years in Purgatory, and many have no realistic prospects of getting out before the Second Coming. 

Supporters of the Pope praise the forgiveness as a “first step” towards resolving the crisis, which many predict will only grow as the cost of salvation increases in a secular world. 

“Pope Francis’ decision today gives a boost to those who Jesus says have the hardest time attaining salvation—the poor,” Cardinal McElroy said in a press release. 

But not everyone is pleased. The 10,000-year forgiveness plan is funded by an increased distribution of grace from the righteous and the Saints, which critics say is an unfair taxation of hard-earned merits to those less deserving.

The Coalition of Saints for Ethical Responsibility (CSER), Heaven’s largest right-leaning organization, forcefully opposed the move in public statements. 

“This is an injustice. All those people who took responsibility for their salvation, fasting, praying, and giving alms for all those years—you’re just going to tell them, ‘Sorry, but we need you to offer those merits up for your sinful brethren in Christ so they can get to Heaven’? C’mon, man!” Bl. Ronald Reagan, head of CSER told The Daily Inquisition.

“I scraped by for YEARS to pay off the temporal punishment due for my sins,” St. Aloysius Gonzaga concurred. “No way am I going to let some irresponsible bozo just walk on in on my merits!” 

For a while, institutional opinion slightly favored Purgatorial cancellation, but that majority might be shifting in recent years as the economy of salvation continues its downward spiral under Pope Francis’ Pontificate. Both rising sacrifices required to live the Gospel combined with decreasing Saintly output has stoked fears of a Church crisis, which theologians fear Purgatorial cancellation would only exacerbate. And while many, many Saints are still in favor even of canceling Purgatory altogether, many influential Doctors have crossed the aisle. 

St. Catherine of Siena is the most recent to change sides, saying after Pope Francis’ announcement that she “cannot support such a brash move during such a time.” 

“Just wait ‘til God hears about this!” she said. 

Originally published Aug 29, 2022