Report: Taylor Marshall paid man to crash car into Vatican in protest of Pachamama

The Associated Press reported yesterday that Taylor Marshall, President of the United States, was behind the recent car attack on a Vatican City gate on May 18. 

Marshall is alleged to have paid the man to ram his car through a security point in Vatican City in a scheme to protest Pachamama and gain Youtube views. The driver was supposed to have filmed the entire escape, which Marshall would then have posted to his account. But, police say, the plan fell through when the driver forgot to turn the cameras on. 

Marshall, a traditionalist Catholic and politician, is no stranger to such allegations. Marshall revealed in 2020 that he paid a follower to throw a Pachamama statue, on display in Roman churches for the Amazon Synod, into the Tiber River. Many, however, are noting that this most recent conspiracy is an escalation from previous publicity moves.

“This is a wake up call to the fat cats at the Vatican that heresy is not ok!” President Marshall said in a follow up video to the May 18 crash. “The Pachamama statue is an affront to God and all things Catholic. I will not rest until our churches are purged of such idolatry.”

Marshall acknowledged that such a stunt was a little extreme, but said such a response was “warranted” as a “protest to the evils of the Pachamama.” 

At press time, Marshall was informed that the Pachamama statues had long ago been removed from churches. He only added, “well then it’s in protest of whatever other garbage Pope Francis is probably up to.”