Byzantine priest’s wife just mail-order Russian bride

NEBRASKA—Yesterday local Byzantine priest Fr. Nicholas Artino showed up to his new parish with his wife, who parishioners quickly noticed was just a mail-order Russian bride. 

Fr. Artino introduced his wife as Anya Kuznetsov, who only smiles and nodded, apparently unable to understand English. Parishioners were courteous to her, despite finding it strange that she appeared out of nowhere.

“He’s got to realize it’s obvious,” parishioner Edna Kurbobble said of Fr. Artino. “Our metropolitan says he’s got to either find a wife or he’s getting ordained regardless, and then Fr. Artino ‘disappears’ for a few weeks overseas. Then this woman shows up out of nowhere, he gets ordained, and he still claims they met in Raleigh.”

“Please,” she added with an eye-roll. 

At press time, Fr. Artino is still trying to deny that Anya is a mail-order bride, but candidly asked us if it’s “obvious.” 

Originally published Jun 1, 2022